Up close and personal with Sev Snape
by Lady Domino
Summary: If you've read Bridget Jones then you know the style. Contains SLASH. Please REVIEW! Finished
1. Why Lord Voldemort?

Title: Up close and personal with Sev. Snape

Authoress: Lady Domino

Rating: M

Summary: Snape started keeping a diary about the time he first went over to Lord Voldemort. But what was the true reason for his choosing to be a deatheater? And how will it affect his life?

Warnings: Slash. This means male sexual relationships. If you don't like it read something else.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

A/N: Yes, I, like so many others, have read Cassie Clare's Very Secret Diaries. This was inspired by that, but is not an attempt to upstage her or steal any of her work. I am very much in awe of her.

I, Severus Snape, do hereby swear in this diary to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Am not good with dates so this is when Lord Voldemort is all powerful and unstoppable

Am totally bummed. Asked Black out again. Was told no. Went down on knees. Was told no again. Begged. Was threatened with curses.

Do not understand why Black is not succumbing to my princely charms. Fear I may have lost sex appeal. Used to be he and his three freaky friends couldn't leave me alone. Would be turned upside down by perverts just so that they could admire my boxers. Now can't get attention for love nor money.

Feel ignored. Potter has used Fidelius charm to hide away. Can not work out who Secret Keeper is, so do not know who to try and seduce. Fear Black is sneaking off to meet him there at night. Why go to all that effort when he could sneak off and meet me? Spindle's End probably far nicer than silly hidden place of Potter's.

Besides, Potter is married. Am mentally single and carefree yet am not deluged in fan girls. Can not understand this.

Am bored with Remus. Too easy to get into bed – one word about letting people know his little secret and he comes running. Have lost the thrill of the chase. Plus, do not wish to be chased every full moon. Plus he is getting clingy. Do not like the way he turns up when not asked to. A man's castle is a man's home! Feel invaded and unsafe. Can no longer leave House Elf porn lying around for fear of discovery. Am suffering dreadfully.

Had a go at seducing old school friend Lucius yesterday after was rejected by Sirius. Was looking for casual, feel better sex. Was totally bummed when told that only one in his life is Voldemort. Don't understand why everyone wants to be with Voldemort these days. Feel sure I am better in bed than poxy old Dark Lord. Although am getting a bit out of practice as only person I have is Remus. Need new partner so can practice new, exciting moves.

Have three interesting options for new partner. Am currently considering Pettigrew, but think will get a refusal because that's what Black did. Pettigrew is true lemming; would run off cliff and eat own tail if Black did. Believe he is not worthy of my affections as is v. inferior and also a bit too fat for energetic sex. Must forget him now.

Other option is Dumbledore. Plus points: am not looking for deep relationship and he is famed for one night stands. Minus points: have heard he has a thing for goats and socks. Do not fancy becoming an animagus just to mess around with old man who will probably die soon anyway. Do not believe in wearing any clothes to bed. Doubt could live with sock fetishist. Will find it too scary to wake up in morning with socks on. Will feel like something is wrong with world.

Third option: Lord Voldemort. Plus points: rumoured to be v. handy with a wand. Find this a big turn on. Minus points: not in for casual relationships. Expects commitment. Likes branding partners with funky tattoo. Not sure I can stand it: have v. low pain threshold. Don't really fancy spending rest of life with Dark Mark on wrist either. May cause problems if going after Black again as he has silly aversion to it. Don't see why – he has enough tattoos of his own and is not one to talk.

However!

Have heard that Dark Lord is v. talented wizard. Believe it is possible that he knows even more about potions than me. Have formulated plan: get with Dark Lord, seduce Dark Lord, extract from Dark Lord top secret super-strong love potion formula, leave Dark Lord, feed love potion to Black, have rampant weekend with Black!

Remus looking slightly relieved when told him he was no longed needed. Am sure that deep down he is absolutely suicidal. Who wouldn't be? He is losing me! On plus side can now leave House Elf porn in loo again. Must find out Dark Lord's preferences on this. Have approached Lucius and asked him way to Voldemort's heart. Turns out must swear eternal loyalty and offer skills in service to him. Have plenty of skills that would service him v. well. Believe am on a winner here.

Black better watch out because am coming after him. By Christmas will have swoony Sirius in bed madly in love with moi. Feel all hot and bothered just by thought of it.


	2. Betrayal

Title: Up close and personal with Sev. Snape

Authoress: Lady Domino

Rating: M

Summary: Snape started keeping a diary about the time he first went over to Lord Voldemort. How does being a Deatheater affect his life?

Warnings: Slash. This means male sexual relationships. If you don't like it read something else.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

I, Severus Snape, do hereby swear in this diary to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Day 1 after joining Lord Voldemort's ranks

Am officially a Deatheater. Woot! Have freaky tattoo (was v. painful. Must remember to clean with TCP twice a day. Fear infection may set in and will have to cut off beautiful wrist. Will severely hinder potion making, including making of potion for Black.).

Lord Voldemort acting v. strangely. Does not seem inclined to leap in bed. Do not understand why as have gone through all silly initiation rituals. Have solemnly promised to rape (hell yeah!), pillage, murder and burn on command. Hope will be pointed in Black's direction and given the order. Will make do with Potter if have to – absence makes heart grow fonder and am missing dorky glasses.

All Deatheaters are v. uptight. Don't fancy shagging Rudolphus as Bellatrix is v. handy with a wand (in a bad way). Am not a fan of pain.

Lucius being difficult – keeps talking about son and wife. Honestly. Not like I am proposing to shag _them_. Just want him all alone in bed. Can't understand possessive females – surely she can lend him to me for one night? What is the point of scary ladies? Need gorgeous male cousin, preferably in love with moi. Will make everything better again. Failing that, will settle for Black.

All other male Deatheaters distinctly icky. Feel would be taking life in hands going to bed with Craabe or Goyle. Danger of being squashed. Rookwood has nasty facial problems. Macnair too freaky for comfort. Likes crooning over hippogriffs and stroking their necks. Do not fancy becoming hippogriff animagus just to have neck stroked.

Am v. bored. No one worthy of me here. Fear I have made wrong choice, and am on wrong side. Perhaps can live with Dumbledore's sock fetish after all. Will try sleeping with socks on tonight.

Day 2

Woke up screaming, believing feet to be horribly deformed. Could not move toes freely. Ripped off and burned socks. Can not live with sock fetish.

Day 3

Bored. Am not 'important' enough to meet other Deatheaters. Still no progress with Lord Voldemort as regards bed or love potions. Feel maybe they might not be his forte. He is somewhat better at destruction, death etc. Do not want to poison Black.

Wrist aches.

Day 4

Could perhaps poison Black then offer antidote on condition he sleep with me.

Day 5

He'd probably die anyway just to spite me. Stupid, stubborn Gryffindor.

Wrist alarmingly puffy.

Day 6

Have murdered, pillaged and burned. Was not asked to rape. Am v. bummed. Tried on Bellatrix's dresses to cheer self up. Found nifty little black number with purple ribbons at back of cupboard. Think it suits me v. well, so stole it.

Day 7

Bellatrix in filthy mood. Heard from Rudolphus she has already fried four House Elves and refuses to sleep with him. Have no idea why she is so upset. Perhaps should offer casual, feel better sex?

Day 8

Rejected by Bellatrix. Told by Lord Voldemort 'hell will freeze over' before he sleeps with me. Fear am on a loser.

Also wrist now size of football. TCP obviously not working. Will go to Dumbledore and promise eternal allegiance and spying skills in exchange for fixing wrist.

Day 9

Told Dumbledore would follow him to hell and back in exchange for wrist-healing-salve. Dumbledore v. pleased to see me – believed I had gone evil for good. Am sure he was v. bummed at the thought of never being able to sleep with me. Must watch out as still not comfortable with sock fetish idea.

Day 10

Saw Black today. Looks all miserable and mopey because friend Potter is in danger. More like _he's_ in danger of losing fun boy toy. Will soon fix this.

Day 11

Dumbledore suggested I try out for position of Potions Master. Do not think I could stand all the learning and planning for lessons. Sounds like too much work.

Wrist looking slightly better. Oozing less.

Day 12

Dumbledore mentioned Potions Master would teach students. Have changed mind entirely. Can not wait to offer fatherly advice and comfort to distraught 15 year olds. Must engineer many break ups between students so more will be single. Will be more opportunities for me.

Interview in three days time.

Day 13

Went back to Voldemort to check if I missed anything. Bellatrix still in towering temper. Says she will 'barbecue the bastard'. Am at a loss to know what could have got her knickers in such a twist.

Tried on black dress again. Still suits me v. well. Wonder if Black would like it on me?

Interview in two days time.


	3. The prophecy

Title: Up close and personal with Sev. Snape

Authoress: Lady Domino

Rating: M

Summary: Snape started keeping a diary about the time he first went over to Lord Voldemort. His telling Lord Voldemort the prophecy about Harry led to the death of Harry's parents. I'm sure Snape had a good reason to act as he did.

Warnings: Slash. This means male sexual relationships. If you don't like it read something else.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intention to entertain.

I, Severus Snape, do hereby swear in this diary to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Day 14 

Spent most of today in black dress for comfort. Fear am getting too attached to it. Danger of stretching it out of shape.

Am brushing up on potions skills. Whilst am naturally talented and brilliant, want to be certain of securing job. Have no intention of losing it to pleb like Lupin, who will probably be suffering from me withdrawal. Must protect all lovely Hogwarts boys and girls from his advances.

Wrist looking decidedly better. Am putting on shovel-loads of salve as a precaution. Can not let it get icky again. So not sexy. Will cause problems when I go after Black. Even strongest ever love potion would struggle to make it desirable.

Interview tomorrow.

Day 15

Interview day!

Decided against wearing black dress, as socks are more Dumbledore's thing. Wore grey fluffy pair prominently in attempt to convey willingness. Will do almost anything for job.

Have taken off socks. Will not wear them. Can not stand itchy toes. Will just have to rely on natural charm and sex appeal. And all studying done yesterday.

Waiting in Hog's Head. What's taking so long? Dumbledore says will call me when he wants to see me. Voldemort never makes you wait. Considering swapping sides again. On second thoughts, am running low on wrist salve. Will stick with Dumbledore.

Playing cat's cradle.

Carving initials on table.

Sooooo bored. How long does it take? Have decided to sneak up stairs and see what's causing hold up.

Damn! Kicked out by pushy barman. Would never have been caught eavesdropping at door (so tacky) except interesting things were going on inside. Woman speaking in weird breathy voice. Took a while to realise what she was saying – thought she had beaten me to shagging Dumbledore for a job. Made out words:

_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark lord approaches…born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…_

Then thrown out.

Confused.

Actually not bothered. Is it my fault previous interviewee is on drugs?

Waited twenty minutes. Pulled grey socks on again.

Sneaked in to see Dumbledore. Told off for eavesdropping. Two Hail Mary's later have job. V. pleased with self. Also have new pot of wrist salve. World is v. sparkly place.

Day 16

Am wearing black dress all day long in celebration. Sleeves definitely stretching.

Bored. No one to celebrate with. Walked in on Lucius. Was told 'no'. Went down on knees. Was told 'no'. Asked him if he'd talked to Black recently. Dodged curse. Went back to own room.

Am puzzled about how am going to get super-secret love potion from Voldemort. Dark Lord obviously not interested in carnal pleasures. Am at loss as to what else there is. May have to give up on Black dream.

No, never! Will find a way.

Day 17

Have had stroke of total genius. Will tell Dark Lord about drug woman's weird words. Dark Lord will believe it is important as words refer to him (he is v. self-centred, you see), and will be overflowing with gratitude. Will ask only for modest reward, i.e. super strength love potion. Am so clever, could hug self.

Bellatrix still throwing tantrums. Refuses to sleep with Rudolphus. Build up of sexual energy obviously unhealthy; she has started ransacking other people's wardrobes. Wonder if she too might be developing sock fetish? Have put lock on wardrobe as it contains top secret House Elf porn stash.

Dress definitely stretching. Sleeves nearly twice as long as originally were.

Day 18

Told Lord Voldemort about weird lady's words. Was surprised at how excited he got. Dark Lord started ranting about 'prophecies' and 'immortality here I come!'. Reminded him gently that reward was in order. Have been promised Headmaster post of Hogwarts when we rule.

Am totally devastated. What use Headmaster position? Headmasters not sexy (take note Dumbledore). Will never win Black at this rate. Can not even summon energy to wear black dress.

Day 19

Lord Voldemort talking about 'tonight being the night'. Have not a clue what he is wittering about. On plus side, was given 1,000 galleons and told not to spend it all at once by him. V. happy. Went shopping for matching boots to dress. Will try them on together tonight.

Damn, am looking good. If Black could see me now there would be no more battle. Am sad there is no one to appreciate the wonder that is me.

Bellatrix outside door threatening to come into room and trash wardrobe. Fobbed her off as have not yet moved porn. Told her was sleeping naked. She left v. fast – am almost insulted. Nothing to do but go to sleep naked. Wrist looking almost normal again.

Day 20

Was v. surprised when told the news. Dark Lord killed Potters last night. Or at least, dorky-glasses James Potter and boring mudblood wife. Then went after son. Mighty Dark Lord could not handle baby Potter in all his one-year-old glory. Spontaneously imploded. Baby Potter survived and whisked away to live with crappy relatives.

Am glad that have already secured place at Hogwarts. Switched sides in nick of time. Received letter from Dumbledore demanding to know if I told Dark Lord about prophecy. Am confused. Sent back: _what prophecy?_ Am awaiting reply.

Bellatrix not only pissed off but now suicidal. Feel it would be better if she found a bridge and jumped off. Would not have to keep padlocks on wardrobe. Have mentioned mercies of Euthanasia to Rudolphus. Gave him large bottle of sleeping potion.

Can not see why everyone so upset. Voldemort was not even sleeping with any of us.

Have found super-duper plus side! Black now minus boy toy!!! Will give him due time to grieve (2 or 3 days) then make a move! May have a chance after all.


	4. Consequences Crazy Bellatrix

Title: Up close and personal with Sev. Snape

Authoress: Lady Domino

Rating: M

Summary: Snape started keeping a diary about the time he first went over to Lord Voldemort. Lord Voldemort may have been destroyed by baby Harry, but Snape's still got his own problems to worry about.

Warnings: Slash.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, they belong to J. K. Rowling. Sigh.

A/N – Thank you so much to those few who reviewed (jumps up and down, hands out hugs etc). As for the rest of you (sniffle). Anyways, here is chapter 4. I'm not sure whether to continue this through the years Harry is at Hogwarts or not. Please could I have some feedback if you want it to go on.

I, Severus Snape, do hereby swear in this diary to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Day 21

Still waiting for Black to finish grieving and move on. Have heard he gave up his motorbike to idiot giant Hagrid. Fear for Black's sanity.

Wrist looks perfect! And v. gorgeous. Not sure about tattoo though. Believe it makes a statement. Something like 'I support a dead idiot'. Must investigate possibility of having it lasered away.

Wore boots and black dress all afternoon to celebrate perfectness of wrist. Have fallen in love with purple ribbons. Will now wear them on everything, including robes, hats and shoes. Not socks. Still hate socks.

Other Deatheaters will not accept reality and move on. Half want to bring Voldemort back. Went to talk to Lucius about it. Lucius said 'Who's Voldemort?' Feel he is in denial.

Day 22

Lucius has switched to Dumbledore's side. Says he was all confused. Copycat – I switched first! Bellatrix threatening to kill anyone else who leaves. Has started styling herself as 'Dark Lady'. Talked to Rudolphus. Yup, she's still not sleeping with him. Am getting worried – can not imagine why she is still fuming. Have had to beat her off wardrobe three times already. Do not know how Rudolphus can bear living with her.

Must remember to move House Elf porn.

On plus side: Black appeared in newspapers today! Have cut out smouldering pic of him looking all swoonful and sad and sorrowful and pasted it in scrapbook. Then read article. Black threatening to 'murder the sneak' and 'not rest until friends are avenged'. Feel he may need a few more days before I make my move.

Now _I_ am sad and sorrowful.

Day 23

Ye gods! Big horror and much fear. Bellatrix blasted open wardrobe whilst was in loo. Came back to find her in room with scary smile on face.

Bellatrix: 'You will die a slow horrible death.'

Me (innocently/ bravely/ heroically): 'Why?'

Bellatrix: 'You will die a slow horrible death.'

Me: 'Maybe we can reason this out?'

Bellatrix: 'You will die…'

Me: runs for hills.

Am v. confused.

Did not know Bellatrix objected so much to House Elf porn. Think this has something to do with her being deranged. Should have spoken more emphatically about Euthanasia to Rudolphus.

Have asked Dumbledore to hide me from v. scary lady. Have been sent to live with Longbottoms and squidgely baby son.

Already loathe son. Too noisy, too demanding, too smelly, too clingy, too wet.

Am miserable. Have left black dress with purple ribbons behind. Will never see it again. Am consoling self with thoughts of Black. Just a few more days.

Day 24

Woken up four times in night by squalling brat. Will murder son as soon as possible. Most merciful thing to do to a kid cursed with the surname Longbottom.

Asked Mr Longbottom what he does. Was told 'am auror'. Must get freaky, dangerous tattoo lasered away as soon as poss. Will only cause me trouble. Am wearing long sleeves at mo.

Have searched whole house for House Elf porn. Found none. However, Longbottoms have real live house elf! Can not wait to be left alone in house with him.

Day 25

Heard Bellatrix is still searching for me. Has trashed my room and my house. Feel she is overreacting a little. House Elf porn isn't even that exciting any more.

Still missing black dress. Took first opportunity to go through Mrs Longbottom's wardrobe. Nothing interesting like in Bellatrix's. If ever looking for a girlfriend will definitely choose ex-Deatheater. In fact, prefer Deatheater dress sense over auror dress sense a thousand times. Was unprepared for Mrs Longbottom's cardigan collection. Am still recovering.

Still, am absolutely safe. Scary Bellatrix will never find me here.

Day 25

Curses. Day not going as planned. Decided to kidnap baby Longbottom, paint lightning scar on forehead and sell over wizardly e-bay for millions. Had just fed baby Longbottom sleeping potion and put him in sack when door flew open. Bellatrix in doorway looking even crazier than usual. Had Rudolphus and some kid in tow.

Longbottoms put up brave fight but were then overwhelmed. Left house as soon as possible. Am saving their son – what more do they want?

Don't know what to do with baby Longbottom. Will perhaps hold him for a while days then ransom him back to loving, distraught parents.

Am hiding out at Granny Longbottom's place. Have mentioned to Dumbledore he might consider sending some aurors over to Longbottoms. Will probs. receive medal for saving their lives.

Day 26

Foiled again. Have received report from Dumbledore – Longbottoms alive but madder than hatters due to extensive torture. Seems Bellatrix was looking for someone. Can not imagine who. Nationwide womanhunt for Bellatrix begun. Hope she will be caught soon as fear she may not have forgotten the House Elf porn yet.

On minus side am stuck with baby Longbottom. Parents in no fit state to take him back. Don't want him. Considering drowning him in pond.

Missing black dress v. much. Not brave enough to look in Granny Longbottom's wardrobe. Also wrist is acting up again. Left salve at other Longbottom house. Do not like ooziness. Will ask Dumbledore for more salve.

Day 27

Have offloaded baby Longbottom on Granny Longbottom. Am venturing out for first time in days to buy paper.

Totally devastating news. Am off to commit suicide.

Decided against suicide. Have drunk whole bottle of firewhisky instead. World still a crappy place.

World a crappy place which spins.

Am sobering up. Suicide urge returning.

Reread newspaper. Cried.

I hate Black.

I love Black. I hate the ministry.

They are putting him in prison.

Azkaban prison.

Just for blowing up 13 people.

Have killed more than that. Was not sent to Azkaban. Why special treatment for Black?

Can not Apparate to Azkaban.

Will never see Black again.

Nothing to do but start teaching at Hogwarts.

No longer interested in students.

Realise now Black was only one for me.

Need more firewhisky.

_Please Review!_


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